Tag Archives: Transformers

November 22, 2024

Fanboy Review #18 — Transformers One

By The Sector M

[Note: I do not consider myself a movie critic. What follows is just one fanboy’s opinion based off of a single double viewing of the film. Oh, and there are SPOILERS ahead for this movie, so take heed.]

If you’ve followed this blog, you may have noticed that the Transformers franchise comes up quite a bit in my writing. It was certainly my favorite toy line growing up, and Optimus Prime may, in fact, be favorite fictional character of all time. I have no real love for the live-action Bayverse Transformers movies outside of Steve Jablonsky’s hauntingly beautiful musical scores and some fantastic voice acting. But, for the most part, I don’t care for them. Bumblebee is the sole exception. I had hoped that it would lead the way, but Rise of the Beasts showed me that the cinematic franchise on the whole had learned nothing from Travis Knight’s retro-themed movie outing.

So, it didn’t surprise me when I started hearing about Transformers One. Transformers as I knew it came from animation, and the franchise has been kept alive through the years through many different animated series. So, a CGI-animated take on the story adapted to the big screen felt inevitable, especially as Hasbro struggles to stay afloat.

First Impressions

I must admit that when I saw the first trailer for Transformers One, I was…skeptical. We were once again going back to the root causes of the war for Cybertron, and the growing divide between Autobot and Decepticon, which has been done over and over again. I was not particularly enthused about yet another reboot in what seems like a rapid-fire series of Transformers reboots by Hasbro in recent years.

The general vibe that the trailer gave off seemed like we would be in for a goofy, slap-stick adventure romp on Cybertron. Also, the fact that Peter Cullen and Frank Welker would not be reprising their iconic roles as Optimus Prime and Megatron was a big thumbs-down for me.

But, I could see that my young son was interested in going to see it, so I steeled myself and went into the theatres expecting a low-effort attempt at getting a younger generation to embrace a decades-old toy franchise.

As I sat there in my reclining seat, however, I quickly began to realize how wrong I was about, well, everything regarding this movie. The tone was very different than I had guessed, and for the better. More than that, this movie far surpassed my expectations and played into the meta-lore of the Transformers universe far more than I would have guessed.

What I liked

The MUSICAL SCORE: I know a movie score is good when I can’t wait to get home from the theatre and download it. I found, to my delight, that Brian Tyler had composed the score. That explained the sublime sense of mystery and awe that permeates the musical landscape of this movie. Tyler is one of my favorite of the “modern” crop of movie composers. He did the score for Iron Man 3, which is excellent. He also did the score for the Syfy mini-series version of Dune, which really elevated the drama. Oh, and he also did the theme for Transformers Prime, perhaps the best Transformers has ever sounded on the small screen.

Orion Pax and D-16:  It was great to see the two of them as friends, even with the foreknowledge that they would eventually become the greatest of enemies. They did a good job of establishing their base personalities that contain the seeds of the conflict to come. Orion Pax doesn’t mind breaking rules that he sees are unjust or in the service of uncovering the truth. He sees the potential in his fellow miners and wants to become more than what they current are. D-16, on the other hand, prefers to follow the rules to the letter, to stick to established protocols. When it is ultimately revealed that the rules he’s been so strictly adhering to are a lie, he is crushed, resulting in him becoming angry and vengeful.

In days of long ago…

The animation and models: CGI-based storytelling has come a long way, and the Transformers franchise has upped its game from the days of the original Beast Wars. I was surprised at just how beautiful and natural some of the animation was in this movie, even when it’s applied to anthropomorphic robots that turn into vehicles. I was also impressed with just how emotive and expressive the four primary characters were on screen.

Megatron’s eyes: I picked up on this little gem on my first viewing of the movie. A good indicator of the story’s escalation is found in the color of Megatron’s eyes. They start out a bright yellow, but as things are revealed and the road he is on darkens, his eyes begin to turn more of an orange color. I predicted that they would turn red at a critical moment, and sure enough, I was right. It was a subtle touch that really gives you that dividing line between D-16 as we knew him and his new persona as Megatron — who then goes on to name his faction after the great deception that he had a hand in destroying.

Two leadership styles: Once Orion and D-16 come back from the wilds, but before they take their iconic names, you can see how they both lead their respective groups effectively. Orion Pax is an inspirational figure, who leads from the front, and is excellent at making those around him believe they are capable of greater things than they ever thought possible. By contrast, D-16 is all about showing strength through acts of force, which appeals to the dangerous, more military sensibilities of the High Guard. When D-16 is captured by Sentinel Prime, the ex-miner would rather die on his feet than grovel on his knees. Even when he gets knocked down, he stands back up with even more defiance.

A satisfying story: In a feature-length movie, character arcs have to move fast, faster than they would in a series format. Still, Transformers One clocks in at a respectable 104 minutes, which isn’t bad for an animated show. I think that the story moves along pretty quickly but pauses in places for some great character development and worldbuilding. By the end of it, it feels like the characters have been on an era-defining adventure that nicely sets up the ongoing conflict in the Cybertronian war to come. After having seen this material retreaded upon again and again, this take felt fresh and just sort of ‘right’ for the continuity that they had set up.

What I DIDN’T Like

Lack of original voice actors: I think that Brian Tyree Henry and Chris Hemsworth did admirable jobs as the voice actors for Megatron and Optimus Prime, respectively. I don’t want to disparage their performance as I think it was excellent. The issue is that Peter Cullen and Frank Welker sort of “own” their Transformers personas in a way we don’t see very often. Their voices give Megs and Op a kind of genuine spark (full pun intended) to the characters that’s really irreplaceable. I think it was a missed opportunity to include them in this project. Can you imagine Orion coming back from the planet’s core with the Matrix, now with Peter Cullen’s iconic voice style? Or, when Megatron proclaims “I’m done saving you,” having Frank Welker’s voice take over for the remainder?

Human characteristics on robots: At one point, we see Orion’s lips flapping in the wind as the train speeds up. Later on when they are avoiding the Quintessons in the ruins, we seem Orion look like he’s breathing hard. This is such a minor thing, but these very human traits looked completely out of place on a character model who is a robot. It took me out of the moment when it happened.

Despite where this image falls in the blog, I loved this scene.

The death of Alpha Trion: Alpha Trion is the archetypical mentor character in Transformers, effectively Merlin to Optimus Prime’s King Arthur. While Alpha Trion got to take out some random goons with the cheeky retort of “Not too old for you,” he basically was just there to deliver some exposition and be executed at the hands of Sentinel. If we get a sequel they could always bring him back somehow, but the total amount of time he got to spend with Orion Pax here is measured in a matter of moments. I had hoped to see a father-son relationship develop between them.

The lingering odor of the Bayverse: There are a few points where I could tell that the story still had some of the greasy little fingerprints of Michael Bay left over from the live action movies. Sentinel Prime being an outright villain and tyrant (rather than just a bully and an a-hole in Transformers: Animated) feels like it took some cues from Dark of the Moon. Bumblebee being named B-127 calls back to a Bayverse Bee before he got his Earth name. Also that there are (or were) multiple Primes at once rather than it being a succession of one at a time through stewardship of the Matrix of Leadership. It seems we cannot quite escape the Bayverse here, though to be fair, there were plenty more G1 nods.

Conclusions

The G1 continuity will always be my favorite telling of the Transformers story. In my heart of hearts, the origins of Orion Pax’s transformation into Optimus Prime can be found in episode #59 of the Sunbow cartoon titled “War Dawn.” Unfortunately, aside from the video game Transfomers: Devastation and a select few comic books, we aren’t getting any more narrative continuations of that version of Transformers. 

That said, I realize that Transformers fans my son’s age want something new, something more updated to appeal to them. Some of Hasbro’s attempts to provide this in recent years, such as War for Cybertron, Robots in Disguise, and Earthspark have seemed half-hearted and disposable. Transformers One, however, felt like an honest attempt to bring Transformers forward to a more modern viewership. There’s a real heart to this movie that many other recent versions of Transformers have just sort of lacked. I was surprised just how much I enjoyed the experience — on both occasions.

And, you know, if the continuity of this movie becomes the basis for the Transformers milieu of my son’s generation, I’m more than okay with it. It remains to be seen if we get more from this branch of the Transformers universe, however. As enjoyable as I found this movie, and with it receiving some decent reviews from critics, it unfortunately didn’t do as well as expected. I do hope this isn’t the last we see of the Transformers One crew. I wish them many more heroic adventures to come. So, from me to the cast and crew of this movie, let me simply say: ‘Til all are one!

And that’s the way this fanboy sees it.

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June 22, 2023

Fanboy Movie Review #16 — Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

By The Sector M

[Note: I do not consider myself a movie critic. What follows is just one fanboy’s opinion based off of a single viewing of the film. Oh, and there are SPOILERS ahead for this movie, so take heed.]

First off, let me apologize for being tardy on this blog post. Posts where I need to see a movie beforehand are dependent on me actually being able to take in a viewing of the movie before I can comment on it. I was delayed in seeing this film. As a result, my Fanboy Review is late. Mea culpa.

So.

Transformers.

Long-time readers of this blog will note that Transformers is perhaps my favorite franchise of all time. When the live-action movie first arrived back in 2007, I saw it opening weekend. It wasn’t anything like what I wanted in a Transformers-themed movie, but it showed promise. We had Peter Cullen reprising his voice role as Optimus Prime, a big budget for special effects, and an absolutely haunting score by Steve Jablonsky. “Arrival to Earth” is one of my favorite cinematic musical cues of all time. I sometimes catch myself humming his “Optimus” theme in my more quiet, contemplative moments.

As the series wore on, however, the cracks began to show. I’m not even talking about the nonsensical storyline; I’m talking about the strange ‘dude-bro-ness’ of it. The overt objectification of women. Needless flag-waving and worship of the military (and this from a guy who writes military sci-fi). There were too many needless human characters and pointless sub-plots, and not enough of the Autobots and Decepticons.

For me, Age of Extinction was my breaking point. I even wrote an open letter to Michael Bay on this very blog. Unfortunately, almost 10 years later, some of the points that I addressed in that open letter are things I find I’m having to dust off for this review. 

First Impressions:

Despite my doom and gloom about the franchise, and the fact that I skipped The Last Knight entirely (I still have never seen it), 2018’s Bumblebee was a breath of fresh air. It wasn’t a perfect film by any means, but it was better than the CGI insanity of the previous entries. The opening sequence of that movie on Cybertron is precisely what I wanted in a Transformers movie. There was a bit of the Bayformers ichor still on the film, but the robot designs were closer to their G1 forms, and the general mood was lighter in tone. The rumor was that it would serve as a soft reboot of the franchise.

When I heard about Rise of the Beasts, I wasn’t super thrilled. I know Transformers fans owe a great deal of in-universe lore to Beast Wars, but I was never a big fan of it. I was even less of a fan of Beast Machines that followed. That said, it appeared that Rise of the Beasts would be a continuation of Bumblebee, so I was willing to give it a chance, though Travis Knight was not returning as the director. I set my expectations to middling and took my seat.

What I Liked:

The landscapes — Visually, this movie has some of the most striking natural landscapes that I can remember seeing in any Transformers movie. It’s an interesting contrast to the cityscape we see in the early part of the story. Plus, thematically, it just makes sense when you have the Maximals and their more ancient, naturalistic vibe front-and-center in the story’s narrative.

PETER FRICKIN’ CULLEN — Any time we get to have the man himself reprise his role as the Autobot Supreme Commander, I’m down for it. Even if I don’t like the story that Prime is in, Cullen always (always, always) turns in a command performance. This is no different, though I wish they had more use of the character in the movie. I always enjoy a heartfelt speech coming from Optimus, and we didn’t really get that this time. Feels like a missed opportunity.

The special effects — It’s almost par for the course for these big-budget blockbuster films, but I think it’s worth calling out. The VFX artists really delivered here, and they should all be proud of what they created. I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Whatever my complaints with the movie, the effects are really beautiful. There was one notable exception, however. See below. 

The search for the Transwarp Key — I know that things started to feel a little like National Treasure in some of these sequences, but I dig the search for clues in symbols from history. That’s what I had originally wanted from Revenge of the Fallen, but we never got there. When you’re dealing with immortal, godlike animal robots, I can see early cultures viewing them as deific figures or spirits.  

The Maximals — Despite not really being a fan of Beast Wars, I thought the Maximals were pretty cool. It’s a pity we don’t get much of a chance to get to know Rhinox and Cheetor a bit better, but I loved Ron Perlman’s gravitas as Optimus Primal, and Airazor nearly steals the show in places, voiced by the incomparable Michelle Yeoh. So, a pleasant surprise.

UNICRON — This is how Unicron should look. Seeing him tear into the Maximal planet was pretty terrifying, as it should be. Orson Welles is a tough act to follow, but Colman Domingo nails the part. I also noted the music playing during his scenes was a nod to Vince DiCola’s “Unicron” theme from the 1986 animated movie. Speaking of the music…

The musical score — I was surprised to learn that Steve Jablonsky didn’t write the score for this movie. Many tracks, particularly “Till All Are One,” definitely carry that cinematic style that Jablonsky delivered. This one is composed by Jongnic Bontemps, and it’s worth checking out.

Mirage and Chris — For those of you familiar with the G1 cartoon, I got a little of a Tracks and Raoul vibe from the relationship that forms between Mirage and Chris, and I dig it. It’s definitely interesting to see another Autobot besides Bumblebee be the ‘bridge’ character between Cybertronians and humans. I think their scenes were great and just nicely gelled together. I do love that we got the traditional shot of Mirage’s steering wheel bearing the Autobot insignia as Chris climbed in for the first time.

What I DIDN’T Like:

The story — Another ancient MacGuffin, another doomsday scenario. It’s another all-powerful ‘football’ that the characters have to find/retrieve/lose/ then ultimately destroy. Big yawn. This go-round is not as tedious as some of the other times we’ve been down this road, but only just. Yeah, I know, going to a Transformers movie looking for a good story is an exercise in futility. I’m just a glutton for punishment, I guess.

Optimus is still kind of a jerk — Transformers movies just can’t seem to find an arc for Optimus that fits with who he is. I get that the story here wants to show some sort of growth, but a being that’s around nine million years old should have a pretty well-established character. He should not have to be convinced or persuaded to care about other beings, particularly humans. For a brief moment, it looked like they were going for a ‘maybe he isn’t quite the Optimus he will eventually become’ type of moment, but then that goes nowhere. There is no arc, so he’s a jerk for really no reason. Optimus a leader who doesn’t really care about anything or anyone that isn’t in his immediate purview or goal. Anything outside of that is something that might as well not exist. Such a pity.

So, once more for the folk’s in the back: Optimus is the one that people (robots and humans alike) should look to when they feel like they can’t go on or when they call into question the morality of their own decisions. He’s the one to make the inspirational speech to lift your spirits at just the right moment and back up his words with heroic action. If that’s not the role he is destined to play in the story, he has been stripped of his core identity. We had to suffer through this most especially in Age of Extinction, and we’re still struggling with it here when it should be a non-issue.  

Optimus’s new design — This is admittedly a nitpick, but the Bumblebee version of Prime was (IMO) the best Prime has looked in live action. Ever. This new version of him looks more blocky and unwieldy. We are also back to Optimus only deploying his faceplate during combat instead of it being in place all the time. I thought it looked dumb in the Michael Bay movies, and it somehow looks worse here. He’s still more G1 in design, though, and doesn’t have flames. There’s that, at least.  

Bumblebee is KIA — The first real dust-up we see in the movie, and Bee is the sacrificial lamb — the guy who gets killed to prove the situation is dangerous. Practically a redshirt. Of course, there was no way that they were going to kill him off permanently, so his death had no real impact.

Wheel…jack? — In the opening of Bumblebee we see Wheeljack for a brief moment, and he looks more or less like he did in his G1 days. Here we get a version of Wheeljack that is so completely different as to be a whole other character. It leaves me wondering why they didn’t just name this character something else. If this is a continuation of Bumblebee, what’s the point? Plus, besides his initial, super- awkward interaction with Chris, he’s just another Autobot, just another gun on the firing line. He’s not an engineer or a mad scientist type. Like the movie, he’s just sorta…there. 

Scourge versus Optimus — It was hard to see Scourge be able to take Prime in their initial clash, but I was okay with it. Scourge is a Herald of Unicron, and he’s directly channeling the power of a dark god, so it makes sense that Prime wouldn’t be able to stand against him alone. They did a pretty good job of setting the two of them up for an epic confrontation. But when that time comes, Prime is suddenly on par with Scourge for no apparent reason. I kept waiting for Prime to have some sort of epiphany to tap into his inner strength, or deepen his understanding of the Matrix, or something. Prime is just somehow better, and defeats Scourge as though the Terrorcon was just another Decepticon.

Scourge’s corruption bullet — Scourge fires a single shot and is not only able to take Airazor completely out but also corrupt her to a point where she turns on her allies. She seemed like the wisest and most discerning of the Maximals. So, did Scourge only have one of those little doohickeys? Why wouldn’t he immediately try to corrupt the Autobots, especially Prime? If all it takes is one little spider-tracker, that seems like a much better way to neutralize your opposition. If I were him, I would be using that little trick all the time.

The access tunnels — So, let me get this straight…Scourge raises his weird tower as a way of sending the Transwarp Key directly to Unicron. First, I would have thought that he could use the Key to transport himself and his minions to the Chaos-Bringer and give it to him that way. No fuss, no muss. But, assuming the whole tower thing is necessary, why would you want, or need, little access tunnels that go all the way up to your computer console? Tunnels that just so happen to be big enough for humans to run around inside? This was the plot bending over backwards to make itself work and give the human characters something to do.

The resurrection — Oh look, the big explosion they talked about has ignited all the energon in the valley, and guess whose body is laying on a convenient sheet of it. Bee comes back completely healed and ready to go. So, did Stratosphere just hang around the village while his fellow Autobots and Maximals went off to fight? Dude, it’s the end of the universe. Like, the chips were well and truly down, and he’s just chilling. Also, too bad Airazor got a tight hug from Optimus Maximal and they didn’t take her body to the valley. I guess she’s just dead-dead, instead of being mostly-dead like Bee.

The Iron Man suit — I understand why this happened. One of the big issues with Transformers movies is that the humans have no real hope of fighting in a battle with giant robots wielding weapons of a magnitude we can barely fathom. Usually, human companions like Sam or Charlie have to ‘run the football’ or try to affect things from the sidelines. The solution here was to turn a human into a Transformer. Sort of. Critically damaged in the final fight, Mirage turns himself into a human-sized suit of power armor for Chris, though the scale of the suit sometimes felt inconsistent. Too bad that option wasn’t available to Sam, Charlie, the NEST Teams, or any of the other humans who have helped out the Autobots in previous entries. Also, while the design of the armor wasn’t horrible, the open face bowl has Chris’s obviously CGI’ed face pasted onto it, which was the only effect in the movie that looked bad.

I guess we just destroy the Key, then — Predictably, the bad guys get the MacGuffin and attempt to use it. It apparently takes a while to spin up (and I use that term intentionally). In the end, Optimus is forced to destroy it. I suppose they had already established that it could be destroyed by Chris’s hand-held blaster. I know Prime had hoped to obtain it to get back to Cybertron, but when a portal opens up and you can see Unicron coming through, it seems like you would destroy the Key immediately if that were an option, instead of, you know, waiting until the last minute.

The G.I. Joe connection — Nope. G.I. Joe has had three attempts at a movie franchise and failed in all three, even with big names like the Rock, Bruce Willis, and Channing Tatum attached to them. I know Hasbro is desperately hungry to build a cinematic universe, but I don’t want that chocolate in my peanut butter, thank you very much. Understand that I have a special place in my heart for G.I. Joe as a franchise, but Cobra becomes far less of a threat when they have to contend with giant alien robots from a technologically superior planet that is literally millions of years ahead of anything produced on Earth. So, again…nope!

Unresolved Questions:

In this telling of the story, the Autobots didn’t arrive on Earth aboard the Ark or a ship of any kind. So, what method did they use to get here at the end of Bumblebee? Prime acts like the Transwarp Key is the only way he’ll ever get off of Earth, but clearly he got here by some other means. Why can’t he just reverse that? His plan was always to establish a base for his refugee Autobots so that he could return and fight for his homeworld. Did he not have a plan for getting off of Earth once he got here?

Will we see the Primals again, or will they just fade into the forests of Peru permanently, to be forgotten or ignored in future installments? Are we looking at more Terrorcons being the bad guys from now on, or will we get more Decepticons in the next one?

Will this new continuity openly supersede the old one? Already, the reasons why the Autobots left Cybertron to come to Earth are vastly different than what was established in the 2007 movie. Also, in this telling Unicron is a separate being that’s coming to consume Earth, and is definitely not the Earth itself, which apparently was a thing in The Last Knight. Once again, any sense of cohesion between these movies is spotty at best.

Conclusions:

I know more of this blog post is about what I didn’t like, but I honestly didn’t hate this movie. Nor did I love it. It just sorta exists in a “meh” state for me. Bumblebee attempted to take a movie franchise that felt pretty played out in a new direction. It happened to be in a direction I liked, and I wanted to see more of that.

This movie feels like it wants to be more like the older Transformers movies in terms of tone and design, and, to me, that’s a giant leap backwards. It’s a course correction to a course correction, and that’s a shame. For a moment in late 2018, I thought Transformers was finally on the right track. 

Still, I applaud this movie for excising the worst excesses of the Michael Bay films, but it doesn’t really deliver on what Bay was actually good at, either. The whole thing felt rather bland and a retread of previous entries in the series, but one with a basis in the era of Transformers that I don’t really care for.

Those who really love Airazor, Rhinox, and the Maximal crew might be more invested here, but I just wasn’t. Again, I think this movie is better than most of the Bay films, but it is unfortunately trying its dead-level best to get back to those elements of cinematic Transformers that I would rather see buried and forgotten in the past.

And that’s the way this fanboy sees it.

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February 18, 2023

Seven Words and Where I Learned Them

By The Sector M

I was a voracious reader as a kid. Even back then words fascinated me. Between my love of books, a mother who would explain things using medical terminology, and a father who used to play word games with me, I wound up with a pretty advanced vocabulary for my age.

When I encountered a word I didn’t know, I was pretty fearless about asking adults what it meant. Often the definition they gave me might contain a word or two I wasn’t familiar with as well. I would ask about the meaning of those words, and so on and on it went. In retrospect, it was good training.

Today, I make my living with words. Etymology remains a passion of mine. To quote the movie version of V for Vendetta, “Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who listen, the enunciation of truth.”

Now, I’m not aware of when every word I know entered into my vocabulary, but there are exceptions. With that in mind, here are seven such words and the stories and memories that go with them. As you’ll see, my general geekiness/nerdiness was firmly established even at a young age. Let’s start the count.

#1

Word: Idiom

Source: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

My father was, and still is, a huge Monty Python fan. I was fortunate enough to grow up within broadcasting reach of KERA, the local PBS affiliate in Dallas, Texas. They would broadcast all sorts of ‘britcoms’ and British TV, including Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Fawlty Towers, Doctor Who, Are You Being Served?, and many others.

From the Flying Circus, I graduated to the Monty Python movies, particularly The Holy Grail. I was already big into Arthurian legend at the time, so a completely off-the-wall interpretation of the Knights of the Round Table was perfect for me. It’s definitely one of those movies I can quote nearly verbatim. It has worked its way into my everyday speech.

The scene in question involves Sir Lancelot travelling about with his squire, Concord. Concord is struck by an arrow with a note attached, leading to Eric Idle uttering, “Message for you, sir!” (Which has been my email alert on more than one occasion.) At first, Lancelot believes his squire is dead, vowing that his death was not in vain. When Concord wakes up and offers to go with Lancelot on his rescue mission at Swamp Castle, Lancelot tells him to stay put until he’s accomplished the deed in his own particular…idiom.

#2

Word: Criteria

Source: Star Trek: The Next Generation, “The Measure of a Man” (Season 2, Episode 9)

Both of my parents were fans of Original Series Star Trek, so when Next Generation started up, we were tuned in and ready. While Seasons 1 and 2 of TNG struggled to find traction, it’s episodes like “Measure of a Man” that really started to demonstrate how forward-thinking and idealistic the show could be.

In this episode, the android, Lieutenant Commander Data, is put on trial to determine whether he is, in fact, a sentient being or merely the property of the Federation. The stakes are high because if Data loses the case, he will likely be disassembled and studied by Commander Bruce Maddox.

During the trial, Maddox is questioned by Captain Picard about what defines sentience. Maddox lists three things: intelligence, self-awareness, and consciousness. Captain Picard is then able to demonstrate that the first two parts of Maddox’s criteria are met, going on to ask what if Data meets the third criteria, even in the smallest degree. It’s a fantastic episode, one that really digs into the morality of artificial intelligence and personhood. 

#3

Word: Genuflect

Source: Aladdin

This was a bit of a late-comer to my vocabulary. I had read stories of lords and vassals for years, but for some reason the word genuflect, the act of showing reverence by bending the knee, didn’t reach me until I saw Aladdin in the theatre. It was, you guessed it, the “Prince Ali” song. Genuflect, show some respect, down on one knee…

Bonus points:  This song also gave me the word coterie, which would come in handy when I started playing Vampire: The Masquerade a few years later. Thanks, Howard Ashman!

#4

Word: Cutlass

Source: Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

When I was about eight or nine, I started reading various classics for kids like Tom Sawyer, Robin Hood, and so forth. Treasure Island was one of my favorites. It sparked my lifelong love of the pirate genre.  

So, I was reading this book in my Aunt’s living room when I ran across the phrase: “he drew his cutlass.” The word sounded familiar, but at the time I didn’t know that it meant a sword. My father was sitting at the kitchen table, so I asked him, “Hey, Dad…what’s a cutlass?”

“An Oldsmobile.”

Well, that made no sense. Why would someone take the time in a tense situation to draw a picture of a car that, presumably, didn’t exist in the time of wooden sailing ships and maps to hidden treasure?

Apparently, the confused look on my face prompted him to ask how it was used in the sentence. Then he was able to amend his answer to a single-edged pirate sword.

#5

Word: Twosome

Source: The Transformers, “The Master Builder” (Season 2, Episode 12)

In this episode, we find the architect, Grapple, with his buddy, Hoist. The two of them are busy building a “Power Tower” model, a device that can turn solar energy into energon. They present it to Optimus Prime, but the Autobot leader declines to advance their project citing that it would make too tempting a target for the greedy, energy-hungry Decepticons.

The two Autobots go to repair Power Glide in the field where they are quickly surrounded by the Constructicons, who claim that they have left Megatron’s cause and gone rogue. They offer to help Grapple and Hoist build a full-scale Power Tower. The Constructicons make a show of some supposedly stolen energon cubes, and the two Autobots agree to jointly build Grapple’s masterpiece.

Surprise, surprise, it’s a trick. Just as the finishing touches are put on the Power Tower, Megatron shows up and captures Grapple and Hoist. He imprisons them in the solar collecting sphere atop the Tower, which will surely melt them down into slag. This prompts Megatron to muse, “Magnificent…now the gullible twosome shall perish in their own tower.”

That’s right, I learned this word from the legendary Frank Welker himself!

#6

Word: Vermillion

Source: Robotech: Macross Saga

Another one I picked up from my weekday-morning cartoons, this was a word that I learned but didn’t quite know the meaning. In the Macross Saga of Robotech, Rick Hunter is the main protagonist. He starts out as a civilian stunt pilot but quickly joins the ranks of the Robotech Defense Force (RDF) as he is pulled into the armed conflict between Earth and the Zentraedi armada.

After an initial training period, Rick is given command of the Vermillion Squadron. The ‘squadron’ seemed to consist only of Rick himself, Max Sterling, and Ben Dixon, though to be fair, sometimes they were referred to collectively as Vermillion Team. I thought the word just sounded cool, but at the time I had no idea it meant a bright shade of red-orange.

Spoilers: Vermillion Squadron’s time in the sun was short-lived, however. Ben Dixon dies in a huge explosion over Ontario. Rick and Max become part of the storied Skull Squadron. Since Rick’s older brother, Roy Fokker, died in the previous episode, Rick takes command of the Skull Squadron. Vermillion Squadron is effectively dissolved at that point.

#7

Word: Chaos

Source: The Uncanny X-Men #120

The direct opposite of vermillion, this is a word I had heard and knew the meaning of already. I had just not seen it written out. I was a big X-Men fan when I was a kid. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a great way of getting a particular title regularly. So, my comic ‘collection’ (if it could be called that) was a mish-mash of different titles I could scrounge together along with those given to me by friends and family.

Somehow, I wound up with a second-hand copy of The Uncanny X-Men #120. I don’t remember how it came into my possession, exactly, but I remember seeing the word chaos on the cover which proclaimed “Chaos in Canada!” This was when the X-men fought Alpha Flight. Not recognizing the word, I asked my father about it. He informed me it was pronounced kay-os. For a kid who was still trying to master phonics at the time, a ‘ch’ combination of letters that didn’t make the traditional ‘ch’ sound was bit confusing.  

To this day, it remains one of my favorite comic book covers. It’s evocative and colorful, and there’s a real menace at seeing the outlines of Shaman, Vindicator, and Sasquatch in the foreground. *chef’s kiss*

Fun fact: One of the cover artists for this issue was none other than Bob Budiansky, who famously developed Transformers lore for the original comic. He is known for naming Megatron, Wheeljack, Starscream, Sideswipe, Shockwave, and a whole host of others. Since Megatron appears on the list above, I’m declaring that a double vocabulary synergy, baby!

So, there you have it, folks — there’s a look at where I discovered seven different words and how I learned them. If you enjoyed this blog post, please give it a like. If you had fun with this one, I have some other word origins I’m happy to talk about in the future. Also, feel free to share where in your personal history you picked up certain words. I’d love to hear your stories. Until next time, thanks for reading!

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March 27, 2020

At the Intersection of Transformers and Life

By The Sector M

Folks, I usually try to keep the details of my personal life off this blog. Today, I’m breaking that rule to some degree. The Sector M blog has always been about the things I enjoy, whether thought experiments, ruminations on movies, books, and games, or musings on toy and cartoon properties from the ’80s. I’m sure there are more than a few out there who might admonish me, a grown man, for ‘wasting my time’ with all this childish nonsense.

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My first ever glimpse of Optimus Prime.

What they may not realize is just how deeply I care about these things. They are a part of me. Once, I tried to deny them, but I was miserable. When I unabashedly embraced my inner geek, only then did I thrive. Those who don’t understand the fascination with fandom miss out on a key detail: I’m a fan because my life has intersected with each of these things in the past, often just when I needed it.

Star Trek taught me to be hopeful and optimistic for the future. Marvel comics showed me that there could be beauty in being different. Batman took personal tragedy and turned it into something  positive. Robotech was the first to show me that in any armed conflict, people die. And so on, and so on, I could go on all day. But the one that resonated with me the most was Transformers, which is no surprise if you’ve followed this blog. My office is filled with the toys, new and old. I’m thankful to still have many of the originals I had as a kid.

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I have something to say about pretty much everything here.

Why do I bring this up? Well, I’m sorry to say that I lost someone very dear to me a month ago at the time of this writing. It was completely unexpected, and I’m still reeling from the loss. This post is a tribute to her. My godmother famously hated funerals or memorials of any kind. I mean, no one likes funerals, but she had a particular hatred of them. In accordance with her wishes, I will not name her here, but I will use the nickname she preferred. She referred to herself as a Nanny bird, or simply “Nanny.”

Despite the name, she was much more than babysitter. My godparents were more like an extra set of beloved grandparents when I was growing up. Nanny herself was an interesting lady. She drove a white Chrysler Conquest sports car with leather bucket seats. (It was one of the first cars that would speak to let you know “Your door is ajar.”) She was tall with high cheekbones and a long Helen Mirren nose that she attributed to her Spanish heritage. (Her brother, in fact, looked like you could put him in a morion helmet and breastplate and he would have blended in perfectly with a group of conquistadors.)

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I always thought it looked like a Transformer.

She loved abstract art, jewelry, and bright colors, especially teals, purple, and yellow. Her favorite perfume was Giorgio that came in the yellow and white striped box. Later, she was a SCUBA instructor, an emergency medical responder, and a volunteer fire-fighter. More than all that, she loved everyone around her fiercely, and woe betide anyone who hurt someone under her protective aegis.

My godparents certainly did their best to spoil me rotten. My parents at the time weren’t in a position to buy me many toys, but my godparents were a different story. In fact, Nanny was the one who bought me my very first Transformer, and I still have him.

This guy.

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He still transforms, too.

This would have been in the autumn of 1984. We were in the old Walmart in Athens, Texas. I remember that we were on our way to the checkout when I spotted him. He wasn’t in the toy isle. Instead, he was on one of those miscellaneous shelves near the front (possibly where they were going to set up for Halloween). Someone had picked him up and then changed their mind. That choice set a trajectory for me as a kid. It was the combination of red and blue that caught my eye. The packaging design, with its action mural and stand-out metallic logo, was just really cool.

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This is where it all began.

I was already into GoBots at the time, but I found them somewhat lacking. Their names were often uninteresting (a tank was named “Tank,” and a helicopter was “Cop-Tur,” and so on) and their reason for being was not really developed. When I picked up Gears that day, I flipped him over and found his “tech specs” on the back of the package.

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This guy didn’t sound like a traditional robot. He didn’t like people, he was cranky, a pessimist, and a pain in the neck. Yet, he did this to cheer his fellow Autobots up. I was intrigued at the notion of robots with distinct personalities, with like and dislikes. They were robots who were like people. This was the spark that lit my imagination. Gears himself was no more complex in design than the simplest of GoBots, but he was part of a story that felt like it had substance.

I asked Nanny if I could have him, and she agreed. I think he was less than $4 at the time. So, she was there with me at the earliest dawning of my fandom. Gears was just the first of many. Bumblebee (both the yellow and red versions), Cliffjumper, Huffer, and a number of others in that original G1 line were soon to follow. Nanny thought they were neat in the way they could fold up to become a vehicle or into a “metal man.” When the cartoons started on TV, she meticulously recorded them for me on VHS before they were ever available to buy.

Kmart

Years ago this building was a K-Mart. This was my other major outlet for toys, particular the Robots in Disguise.

That’s where I first heard Peter Cullen’s Optimus Prime voice. With most other toy lines, I tended to like the villains more than the heroes. Transformers was different. The Autobots were noble, brave, and courageous. No one personified those high ideals more than Prime himself, and I had the opportunity to watch my favorite episodes play out at will thanks to Nanny’s wizard ability to program a VCR. For a kid who often had trouble relating to others and was painfully shy, Transformers was all about the power of teamwork and standing up for what was right. It found me at just the right time.

As a quick aside, my mother was the one who bought me my Optimus Prime. It was expensive for the time, and she asked my godparents not to get him for me (which they were willing to do). I had a bit of trouble in school back then, and my mom told me that if I improved my grades, the Autobot supreme commander was mine. Six weeks later, I turned in a report card with an “A” in every subject. On the way to the store to get him, Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” played on the radio. (There’s your earworm for today.) It’s funny what you remember, huh?

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This was my Holy Grail as a kid.

Anyway, as my Transformers interest grew, Nanny helped me build my collection. My godfather would scour the Toy R’ Us stores in Dallas for the stuff we couldn’t find in Athens or the surrounding area. All told, about 80% or more of the Transformers I ever had as a kid came from the two of them.

By 1985, the new series of Transformers hit shelves. Soon the Insecticons,  Jetfire (Skyfire in the cartoon), Omega Supreme, and the Constructicons joined the others in my collection. I remember the day that she took me into Daniel’s pharmacy in Athens, a store that had an unusually well-stocked toy aisle.

Daniels

It’s the Factory Connection building now.

Even though it was technically out of bounds to get so many at one time, she bought me all six of the Constructicons in their individual packaging. As I was opening them all up in the car, Hook’s legs broke off in my hand. The silver plastic they used back then would often break like that. Nanny marched back in and exchanged it for another one. As I opened that one up, the same thing happened. So, she did it again, and just like Swamp Castle of Monty Python fame, the third one proved to be fine. Sadly, only one of those original six figures has survived to the present. It’s Mixmaster, the concrete mixer truck. He is on a shelf in my office right now, once again reprising his role as Devastator’s left leg.

She was also the one who took me to the see Transformers: The Movie in August of 1986, which I wrote about here. So, Nanny was the one who had to deal with a crying kid when Prime, the very embodiment of what I loved about Transformers, died right before my eyes. (I also mentioned her as being the spark for my interest in Greek culture here.)

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A moment in time.

Fast-forward to present day. Now I run a tabletop RPG based on Transformers, in a system that I kit-bashed from at least two other games. It’s been running for almost ten years now. Besides writing speculative fiction, that game might be the single geekiest endeavor I’m a part of. (And, boy, is that saying something!)

My memories of the toys and cartoons have always been inextricably linked to Nanny. She was an active participant in enabling and building my most favorite of fandoms. And when I started making up stories about the characters, my first forays into storytelling, she would sit patiently for hours as I would tell them, and ask leading questions so I would have to delve deeper into what I had created. I will always remember that.

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But now she has left us, and there is large hole left in my heart and in my life. So much of who I am today can be traced back to her. I miss her with every keystroke I write here, folks. I’m to the stage where I will have periods of normalcy punctuated by spikes of grief that come out of nowhere. I won’t lie, it sucketh mightily.

And yet, here I sit in the Museum of Matt with so many reminders of her standing in silent vigil around me. I originally thought all those bots, all those memories, would make it harder to write this account, but I was wrong; they are physical reminders of the positive effect she had, and continues to have, on me. I’m grateful for that.

So never let anyone tell you your love for a particular fandom is silly or stupid. Our time on this planet is all too brief, so hold onto those things you love. Take it from me, okay?

‘Til All Are One!

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[P.S. – I started writing this post before COVID-19 really exploded here in the U.S. My family and I are practicing social/physical distancing, and I hope you are, too. Please be safe out there and wash your hands, okay? Much love from Sector M.  -MC]

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August 5, 2016

My Love/Hate Relationship with Transformers: The Movie

By The Sector M

In honor of the 30th anniversary of Transformers: The Movie, which premiered in U.S. theatres in August of 1986, I thought I would comment on what was simultaneously one of the fanboy landmarks of my childhood AND perhaps the movie that scarred me the most as a kid. No really, the emotional scar tissue is still there. First world problems, yeah?

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I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

If you’ve been with me on this blog for any length of time, you know that I love Gen 1 Transformers. It is both my favorite toy line of all time as well as my favorite ‘80s cartoon. Of course, the cynical adult side of me sees the cartoon for what it was: a half-hour commercial designed to sell more toys. But there’s also the kid in me that remembers when I could come home from school to be greeted by Prime, Bumblebee, Jazz, Hound, Prowl, and the irascible Ironhide. They were friends of mine, and in my mind’s eye I rode shotgun with them through a hundred adventures.

I remember well when I first saw the teasers for Transformers: The Movie. It looked incredible, with some of the slickest animation Sunbow has ever produced. “Two years in the making,” the TV spots proclaimed, “an incredible adventure and spectacular wide-screen animation with an original story that will shock and surprise you!”

Boy, did they have that right.

Before we get to the crying-so-hard-I-had-to-be-taken-out-of-the-theatre part, there are some things I genuinely love about this movie. Let me spell those out first.

375px-Matrix

I may or may not have a replica of this sitting on my writing desk.

1.) The Lore – In the comics, the Matrix of Leadership was just a computer program in Prime’s head. The movie is where we first see the iconic, semi-mystical talisman, and find that the one who carries it is the anointed Prime, AND that it has a will and power of its own. Throw on top of that the Universal Greeting (say it with me: Bah-weep-grah-na-weep-ninni-bong), Unicron the Chaosbringer, Autobot City, and the saying ‘Till All Are One! We meet the Quintessons for the first time, along with the Junkions and the ill-fated Lithonians. The Transformers universe expanded well out of its TV cartoon roots with this movie.

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Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

2.) The Soundtrack/Score – You got the Touch! You got the Pow-wwwwer! Yeaaah! From the mindblowing hard-rock reimagining of the main theme by Lion, to both of Stan Bush’s classic TF anthems (The Touch and Dare), this soundtrack is great throughout every track. At times it almost gives the movie a kind of Heavy Metal feel to it. That’s Heavy Metal in a ‘one-way ticket to midnight’ kind of way with rock paired with animation. There’s also Nothin’s Gonna Stand in Our Way, Hunger, and Instrument of Destruction. And did I mention that Weird Al Yankovic has a spot on this album? That’s right, Dare to be Stupid. And my hat’s off to Vince DiCola on his scoring the movie itself. It really added some emotional weight to a certain scene I’ve yet to discuss.

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The man himself.

3.) The Voice Cast – I met Peter Cullen once at a convention. It was less than a minute, and I was just one fan out of a hundred waiting to get something signed. Even though it was only a few seconds of my life, I will remember it always. Always. These names, now so familiar, like: Scatman Crothers, Jack Angel, Chris Latta, Frank Welker, and many others, are the ones who really brought the characters to life with their voice work. This dream team of actors was then joined by the likes of Eric Idle, Robert Stack, Susan Blue, Leonard Nimoy, and friggin’ Orson Welles as the voice of Unicron. I think even the much-maligned Judd Nelson did a fine job as Hot Rod and Rodimus. All those talents under one roof…it’s amazing.

gallery_movies-optimus-prime-transformers-the-movie

Gorgeous. Simply Gorgeous.

4.) The Animation – Once again, this is some of the most beautiful animation that Sunbow ever created. The coloration, the cell-shading, the grace with which characters move through the frame, all of it is beautiful. The characters seem to take on a new life and vitality, and look better here than just about anywhere outside of Transformers: Retribution.

And here are the parts that left their mark on me as a child:

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Pretty much the look on my face, too.

1.) The Casual Deaths of Supporting Characters – The first scene, the destruction and subsequent consumption of Lithone, really set the tone for the movie. But then we get the credits sequence, and we’re back to the Autobots that we know and love. Previously, we’ve seen the Autobots get hurt or shot up, but they were all better by the end of the episode. The one ‘perma-death’ they had in the cartoon, Skyfire, was later undone by Wheeljack and an ice jackhammer.

I still remember the battle on the Autobot starship. Prowl, one of my favorite characters, takes a direct hit in the opening shots. Fire comes out of his eyes and mouth, and he falls over dead.

Let me say that again: Fire came out of his eyes and mouth.

I remember trying to explain why I was so upset by this to my mom and she didn’t get it. She thought that was just one of his special features or powers, like he had fire breath or heat-ray eyes or something. Nope, that was the Autobot version of blood coming out of his mouth before he died.

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Wut?

But it didn’t stop there. In a scene that takes less than a minute of screen time, we see Ratchet riddled with holes and die, Ironhide is given a contemptuous coup de grace by Megatron, and Brawn charge the Decepticons only to take a hit in the shoulder and fall, presumably finished off afterwards (though he does make an appearance in Season Three, so perhaps not all was lost.) In a word: Brutal.

Then we get to Autobot City. We see RC dragging the corpse of Windcharger, which she dumps next to poor old Wheeljack. We don’t even know how they died. We don’t see them make some heroic sacrifice or stand their ground against impossible odds. We just see their dead bodies, discarded and sad. By this point in the movie, Kid-Matt was mighty uncomfortable with how things were going in that movie theatre in Athens, Texas. But none of those deaths prepared me for the emotional gut-punch of what was to come.

Death of Prime

Worst. Marketing. Decision. EVER.

2.)  The Death of Optimus Prime – Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we? Remember those TV spots I mentioned? Well, as an adjunct, there was a Transformers toy commercial tie-in. It featured Frank Welker in his Megatron voice introducing the heinous Galvatron toy, and Peter Cullen’s Prime introducing Ultra Magnus. At the end, there’s a movie tag that shows Optimus being shot up pretty badly and the announcer asks “Does Prime die?” I remember watching that in my grandfather’s living room and thinking, “Naah, they’d never kill off Optimus Prime.”

Right?

But, as Kid-Matt watched several of his favorite bots terminated with extreme prejudice, a gnawing suspicion began to dawn that his favorite of favorite characters was about to go down. We get the glorious fight with Megatron, Prime at his fighting best, and then the idiot Hot Rod gets in the way. Way to go. Perhaps just saying “Hey, watch out! He’s reaching for a gun! Shoot him!” would have been better, yeah?

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Way to go, Hot Rod. Tool.

But with one final, mighty uppercut, Prime ends Megatron’s reign of tyranny before collapsing. As Kup says, he turned the tide in the deadliest battle us little’uns had ever seen these characters fight. Not content with that, the sadistic bastards making this movie make us watch as Prime slowly slips away on life support to a musical score that STILL hurts to listen to. He gives the Matrix to Ultra Magnus, tells us not to grieve, and then the bright blue light fades from his eyes. And in case that wasn’t enough to show us that Prime is finally, irrevocably dead, we see his iconic red and blue color drain away to a grey-black, and then his head lolls to the side.

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😥 *buckets*

At this point, my godmother had to take me into the hall because I was crying so hard. Like snot-coming- out-of-my-nose-with-my-bottom-lip-quivering-uncontrollably kind of crying. I missed the next 10 minutes of the movie, and didn’t see that part until a few years later when I chanced to watch it again on VHS.

So, seeing my favorite childhood character die hurt pretty bad, but what hurt worse was when I learned the real reason that had Prime died. Hasbro wasn’t going to sell the Optimus toy the next season. They were clearing the way for new characters to sit on the shelves, and killing them off in the story was the perfect way to get them out of the way and explain their absence at the storefront.

Ouch.

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“…”

Even as a kid, I knew that the cartoon was just a way to promote sales, but I was okay with it because I was already sold on the toys. But to cynically kill off a fan favorite just because he wasn’t being sold anymore? What. The. Hell? Worse, this set the precedent for Prime dying in other interpretations of the character. Revenge of the Fallen, anyone? Transformers: Prime?

But in a twist of what I guess is karma, I wasn’t the only kid who had a freakout moment in the theatre. Lots of parents complained, and there was so much fan outrage over Prime’s death that Hasbro brought him back six months later in the two-part episode aptly named The Return of Optimus Prime. Of course, that was right as Transformers as a cartoon was sinking into the morass of “Seasons” 4 & 5, but at least Hasbro did the right thing in the end.

But the scars remain. #thankshasbro

3.) A Whole New Cast – Take a look at the official movie poster. Go ahead, take a look.

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Despite it all, I have this framed.

Notice anything? If you aren’t familiar with the characters, here’s a hint: All of them are new. Every character displayed here, with the exception of what might be Laserbeak in the background, is first introduced to American audiences in this movie. I remember seeing this poster hanging in the lobby of the movie theatre and wondering why Bumblebee, Prime, Jazz, Prowl, and the others weren’t on it. Sure, these new guys looked cool, but who were they?

So, if you had been watching the cartoon for two years, and then went into the movie thinking the main story would revolve around those guys (as I naturally assumed it would), that’s a negatory, Ghostrider. Only the Dinobots play any significant role, and live. Old characters die and are replaced, or are reborn as other characters, complete with new voice actors. It’s a bit of a cinematic bait-and-switch when you think about it, like going into the next Avengers movie to find that all the main heroes have been replaced with Squadron Supreme. Nothing against Squadron Supreme, but that wasn’t exactly what I thought I was getting.

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Eh, not so much.

4.) Rodimus Prime – To be fair, Optimus Prime is a tough act to follow. But since Prime dies, the Powers-That-Be apparently had to have another Prime. Instead of picking Ultra Magnus, who shares a lot in common with Prime, including a fancy name made up of superlatives, and an identical base toy, the Matrix instead goes for the punk kid, Hot Rod. Because…reasons. There is an admittedly cool transformation scene where we see Rodimus grow in size and the ghostly voice of Optimus saying, “Arise, Rodimus Prime.” He quickly kicks Galvatron’s butt and goes on to declare an end to the Great War. Roll credits.

But then we get Season 3 of the cartoon, now with the new guys in lead roles, with little of the old guard remaining. Rodimus is now the Autobot Supreme Commander, and it’s clear that he’s no Optimus Prime, either in the strength of his leadership abilities, his ability to inspire others, or his lackluster combat skills (especially compared to Galvatron who seems waaaaay more powerful by comparison). Worse yet, Rodimus knows he’s not nearly the leader that Optimus was. And he’s right, he isn’t. So it goes.

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I much prefer this version, even if it’s a tad misleading. I also have this one framed.

Conclusions: 

As you can see there’s a lot to love and hate about this movie. In only 86 minutes, it embodies both the best and worst of what Transformers had to offer in the 1980s: callous disregard for what fans wanted based off of changes in a toy line, mixed with incredible jumps forward in the universe of Transformers, given to us with animation that looks like visual candy.

So, when it comes to the cinematic vomit/explosion orgy offered up in the new series of Transformers movies, I honestly can’t say that Michael Bay is stepping all over my childhood. Transformers: The Movie did that during my childhood. And yet, there’s still a part of me that can’t help but smile when I hear Stan Bush belt out The Touch.

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July 6, 2014

An Open Letter to Michael Bay From a Humble Fanboy:

By The Sector M

[My blog has been on semi-hiatus the last few months as I finish up on one novel and begin another. This Fourth of July weekend I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction, which prompted me to reopen my blog for this letter.]

Dear Mr. Bay,

First off, let me congratulate you on an incredible opening weekend for your recent film, Transformers: Age of Extinction. In less than a week, the movie has made over $128 million dollars. I’d say you’re on target to shatter all manner of box office records and sit astride the top-earning slot of this year’s summer blockbuster season.

Which is why we’ve really got to talk.

Now, this isn’t an angry letter. No, sir. Anger implies a burning rage, and a fiery lack of rational understanding. No, after watching TF:AOE, I’m cold. Oh so cold.

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of this letter, I must first make an admission: Your movies are my guilty pleasure. Say what you will about their plot, story, and intrinsic artistic value – your visuals are spectacular. You constantly push the envelope of movie-making technology to produce films that are breathtaking. No one can make explosions looks as beautiful as you on screen. I mean that. Truly.

But…

I can say without hesitation, and greatest conviction, that TF:AOE is your worst film to date. Perhaps my criticisms (to follow) are better suited to one of the other Executive Producers of the film, or perhaps the screenwriter, or indeed anyone involved with the movie’s creative direction, but seeing as how you are the Director, the proverbial Captain of this ship, the responsibility is ultimately yours.

Simply put, I’m a fan of Transformers, and have been since my childhood. I could elaborate on the various expressions of this fandom, but in the interests of brevity let me say that it will be hard for you to find a person who loves this property more than I do. When I heard back in 2006 that you were helming the first Transformers film, I was cautiously optimistic about it. You are, after all, on the short-list of action directors capable of turning out a blockbuster of this magnitude. Since my first brush with your take on the franchise, however, there have been some trouble spots.

I suffered through Bumblebee urinating on John Turturro in the first installment. I gritted my teeth in the second movie as we saw that Devastator was anatomically correct. I even kept my composure during the barren cinematic landscape of Dark of the Moon. And yet, call me sentimental, but there were shining moments in that trilogy that gave me hope, that kept bringing me back into the theatre in 2009 and 2011, like an abusive relationship that hurts you again and again, but that you cannot quite bring yourself to break off.

After seeing TF:AOE, I’m afraid my little fanboy heart cannot stand it anymore. It’s just been broken too many times, and most recently by you. (Spoilers Ahead! You have been warned.) I do not enjoy seeing characters from previous movies, even CGI ones, brutally murdered while on their knees, begging for their lives, and decrying, “Wait! What are you doing — I’m one of your friends!” Nor do I appreciate characters who have proven themselves competent in the past suddenly losing their temper, acting like spoiled children, and endangering themselves and the lives of others in the process. The same goes for the amount of collateral damage and indiscriminate destruction that so-called “Autobots” wreaked in Bejing. But the butcher’s bill of misfires made here, every plothole covered with glorious, glorious special effects, the casual and unending objectification of women, the uncomfortable racial and cultural stereotypes, the tissue-thin depth of the characters – all of it – pales before the final straw that broke the back of my fandom. (I mean, all those tropes are at least part of your regular schtick, right?)

The final sin, the place this movie went that the others at their worst avoided, is Optimus Prime. You turned him into an angry, embittered maniac who is as ineffectual as a warrior as he is a leader. He kills people, humans, in this movie. It’s bad enough that I had to see Superman snap General Zod’s neck in Man of Steel, but now Optimus Prime, paragon of wisdom and virtue, just executes a guy. No attempt to have him answer for his crimes, or see that justice is done, just point and fire with as much emotional response to the killing as a mafia hitman (meaning no disrespect to any mafia hitmen who might read this). After that, it came as no surprise that his final coup d’grace was stabbing the bad guy in the back.

But it’s worse than even that. What really drives white-hot pokers into my soul is that Optimus gives up on us. Despite all his talk in the original trilogy that “freedom is the right of all sentient beings” and that “they are a young race, capable of great compassion” he is more than willing to turn his back on us when we are, as the name of the movie implies, facing extinction, and Mark Wahlberg has to give Optimus the pep talk about why he should continue to fight, not the other way around. There is a direct quote from the end of Dark of the Moon, spoken by Prime: “There will be days when we lose faith, days when our allies turn against us, but the day will never come when we forsake the planet and its peoples.” What happened to that Prime? Can we get him back in the next movie?

In casting him in this light, this movie did what I thought was an impossibility…it made me hate Optimus Prime. Me. I realize that you don’t know me, or the deep significance that this character holds for me, but let us just say that I still tear up a bit when I see Optimus die in the 1986 animated movie. Scarred for life, I was. Prime may very well be my favorite character in all of fiction, and I despised him by the end of this movie. That, Mr. Bay, I can never forgive.

Let me take a step back at this point, breathe and count to ten. There, better now. Allow me to throw a few facts your way. At the time of this writing, TF:AOE has earned itself 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. That is on par with Showgirls (also at 17%), which is widely regarded as one of the worst movies ever made. This movie ranks lower than the huge disaster Battleship, which was a blatant rip-off of the Transformers movie franchise, as well as your own distinctive visual style. By comparison, it sits at 34%. Battleship! You’ve been outdone by one of your weakest imitators.

Good God, man…Battleship!

The disconnect between the quality of the story and its undeniable commercial success worldwide tells me that you have labored to produce the cinematic equivalent of Twilight, the book not the movie. Perhaps that doesn’t matter to you. Perhaps you’re content, even satisfied, with how TF:AOE came out. Or perhaps it was just a job and/or an enormous payday to you. I can’t speak for your reasoning, but I can tell you that I’m embarrassed for you. There is more heart and soul in the merest fraction of your Lionel Richie video documentary (a fine musician and artist, I hasten to add) than can be found in the entirety of this soulless (sparkless?), joyless movie.

Now, I write these words in the knowledge that you will likely never read them. In truth, this is more a catharsis for me than a critique for you. But assuming you do read this, and you’ve made it this far, I might as well go the whole nine yards. To that end, allow me to illustrate for you what it was like to sit through all three hours of this movie, in a convenient bullet-point format:

  • This movie was akin to sitting in the basement of a Porta Potty, looking up, while it is being used on an unseasonably warm State Fair Day
  • Watching this movie weakened my faith in humanity, when it had previously survived the onslaughts of Jersey Shore, Toddlers and Tiaras, and Honey Boo Boo
  • Seeing this movie made me feel like how a trash dump full of zombies and old socks smells
  • It was tantamount to seeing a school bus full of puppies fall into a volcano, when the volcano also eats souls
  • Exactly like watching the worst movie I’ve ever seen, where cherished characters from my childhood are criminally misunderstood, with staggering amounts of unnecessary scenes, plot holes Optimus himself could drive through, worn-out clichés, placeholder dialogue, and amateur-hour characterization, making me wonder how something so singularly god-awful was ever released in the first place

And while we are on the subject, allow me to elaborate the things I would rather do than watch this movie ever again:

  • Watch Star Wars: Attack of Clones twelve straight times, back-to-back, including all the footage of Jar-Jar from the entire prequel trilogy
  • Take college algebra again.
  • Throw a punch at Mike Tyson, before or after insulting his significant other
  • Die. Just die
  • Awaken Great Cthulhu from his dark and terrible slumber. (Though, to be honest, any of the Great Old Ones would suffice in His place)

Okay, so I’m taking a few liberties here, but again – catharsis, remember? Despite the fact that I must part ways with you for the crimes of this movie, let me leave you with this thought.

I want to help you.

While I understand that these movies are most definitely not made with the fans of Transformers in mind, perhaps I can save you some whining from heartbroken souls such as myself in the future. Story is cheap. It’s words on a page. With a $210 million dollar budget, the story of a movie like this has to be the cheapest part of your production costs, and the easiest to change. Again, your special effects are incredible, to the point that I can see the minute details of Hound’s bushy beard. Why can’t that level of detail, thought, and attention go into the base story itself? Honestly, as a fan, is that too much to ask?

So, I am offering my services to you, Mr. Bay. Next time you go to visit the Transformers universe, call me. You need someone on your team who loves this franchise, since it is clear from this offering you are lacking such a someone. I will be stupidly happy (like a live-action role-player at a renaissance festival) to help you avoid making another movie like this one, and you will find that my fee will be a paltry, practically insignificant sum next to whatever you’re paying your screenwriter.

Just food for thought.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

-Matt Carson

P.S. – Despite all of this, I enjoyed your cameo in Mystery Men.

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